Cask Wine and Silent Cellphones…

I’m sort of pathetic

Drunk off cheap cask wine

By myself

Sitting staring wishing at my phone

You said you’d call

It’s three am

You said you would call

I’m waiting

I’m drunk

And really overly keen to hear your voice

Tongue tastes sour, waiting

Sitting by myself

I’m so drunkenly in love

It’s sort of pathetic

Auckland and Politics

Sooooo I couldn’t handle the jandal (that’s a sandal, flip flop, thong for non-kiwi-slang people) and am moving back to Auckland on Tuesday.

The loneliness was the killer. I had the best guy in the whole damn universe with me at last, but I realised – I didn’t need him. Stress need. My friends, my family, my life of a dancer in Auckland – I did need that. So in a crazy emotion fuelled evening I stood in my room, absolutely sick with the thought I’d have to stay there another day. So I just started packing. No plan, nothing, just threw everything I owned into my suitcase, dropped my keys in the landlord’s letterbox, and hopped on a bus into the city. I cried to my mum on the phone saying I needed to come home, so she got me a ticket to return on Tuesday. I could stay with her friend until then.

You see, I thought Pepe would be so disappointed in me I didn’t really consider that he might be okay with it. Turns out he was okay, sad, maybe even disappointed, but only because we’d go back to long distance. To be honest that is fine by me!! I can so do long distance again, at least for the next month, hehe!

When/if I come back, I will be armed with the memory of my experiences last time. I will have enough savings for regular flights back for visits, and hopefully that will stave off my loneliness.

I’m so excited. I get to go back to my dance studio. I get to dance with my dance partner, and my favourite male stripper, again. I get to see my little sister turn 13. I get to spend Christmas and New Year’s and my 20th birthday in the biggest city in the country, when all my friends will be home, and it will be fucking awesome!

Oh and on a different note, I’m very proud of America for choosing Obama as their next president. This one just feels right, ya know? I watched his speech at some godforsaken hour on Wednesday morning and cried a bit. I’m not even patriotic to my own country let alone the USA, but I could feel the incredible, incredible joy and hope and pride and excitement in that stadium and it gave me chills, goosebumps, tears. Congratulations Barack Obama!

New Zealand’s election is this Saturday. I’m voting for Labour and our current prime minister Helen Clark because she is tops and a babe (among other reasons of course ) but sadly I am pretty sure the conservative party National is going to win. Oh well, I’ll do what I can to stop that bastard John Key getting into power.

Molly is very happy.

Temptation… I can’t resist…

Some songs are just so incredibly powerful, for several reasons. In my case, songs that I immediately associate with a distinct, one-time moment of time (whether or not the song was actually playing at the time, but more often the former) hit my soul deeper than anything else.

Some (okay nearly all) of my most powerful personal songs relate to sex. The song that was playing during my first orgasm (Fuck – The Exponents). The song(s) playing when I lost my virginity (Freebird – Lynard Skynard/Wonderwall – Oasis). So on and so forth.

I used to work in a dance studio. I did not plan the songs; a DJ would play his playlist, but there are several songs which are played every night at some point because they are classics. One of these is the song Temptation by Diana Krall.

While working at the studio, I met someone so utterly enthralling that I was hooked for a long while. It was a lust crush, but of a level so intoxicating and bewitching I could not think of anything else. I obsessed over this man. He was completely, purely, one hundred percent erotic. I would dream of him, think of him, tremble at the thought of his touch. He was 18 years my senior and it was highly innappropriate for me to think like this, but at this point I didn’t care. I have never been so completely overtaken with the physical desire I felt then in my life, even to this day. I feel nothing like this towards him now, but the memory is still potent.

This man taught me to dance, from my first shaky steps as a beginner, to becoming confident like I am today, he is responsible. There was one song that was utterly, utterly perfect. Our individual dance chemistry fits with this song so well; it is our song. And now, whenever I hear it, the feelings flood back for just an instant, but enough to leave me standing still in a brief moment of shock.

No other song captures the overpowering hit of sex as this song does. The sizzling, yearning, longing skin against skin that just wants to go deeper and deeper and infuse with eachother in sweaty, mindblowing, frantic bliss. The feeling of absolute helplessness on my behalf; that no matter what my head decided, my body would do exactly what it wanted to do. His utterly exquisite form so close, so close, that I simply could not resist. The fact I was his in body, body, body, for as long as he would take it and use it and throw it away once he was done. It sent shivers down my spine.

I would always, always save this song for him, and he did likewise. When we danced it, it was sweet and dirty and suffocating and wonderful. I love the fact that despite I have long forgotten these feelings for him, I can feel them on their own when I hear this song, for just one delicious moment.

Temptation – Diana Krall

rusted brandy in a diamond glass

everything is made from dreams

time is made from honey, slow and sweet

only the fools know what it means

temptation, temptation, temptation…

i can’t resist

well i know that he is made of smoke

but i’ve lost my way

he knows that i am broke

but i must pay him

temptation, temptation, temptation…

i can’t resist

dutch pink and italian blue

he’s there waiting for you

my will has disappeared

now is confusion is oh so clear

temptation, temptation, temptation

i can’t resist…

temptation

oh, temptation

temptation… i can’t resist…

I Wanna Fuck You Like an Animal

On Sunday night I saw the most attractive male I’ve seen in a while.

Pepe and I had just finished having dinner at a Chinese restaurant; it was quite late at this point, past 10:30, and the street was deserted. We were putting our helmets on at his bike when we heard a guy singing. More accurately, a guy singing Nine Inch Nails “Closer- Fuck You Like an Animal” extremely loudly.

Then I saw him. He had headphones on, singing loudly to his heart’s content, dressed head to toe in black. Half his hair was white, half was black, and it was down to his shoulders or so. He looked okay, nothing exceptional, but his sheer confidence was enthralling.

Pepe said, Oh that’s Jesse (or whatever his name was). He’s a bit of an idiot. I knew him in school.

I think I’m in love with him, just a bit, I said.

Wanna ride past him and give him the horns? my awesome boyfriend suggested.

Fuck yeah!

So we jumped on Pepe’s bike, blared past this Fuck You Like An Animal dude, both of us throwing the horns, which he returned. Pepe said he hangs out at the Dux a lot (my favourite pub). I am going to find him and tell him he is awesome.

you let me violate you
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you
you let me complicate you

help me
i broke apart my insides
help me
i’ve got no soul to sell
help me
the only thing that works for me
help me get away from myself

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

help me
tear down my reason
help me
it’s your sex i can smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me
think of somebody else

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed

you
get
me closer to god

through every forest
above the trees
within my stomach
scraped off my knees
i drink the honey
from inide your hive
you are the reason i stay alive

Piercing urges.

God I want a new piercing so bad. It’s been almost a year since my last major one, if you don’t count my tongue web. In fact it’s been more than a year! Sheesh!

I have to be careful, though. I’m trying to find a job so facial piercings are out of the question. That basically leaves me ears, inside my mouth and the rest of my body. I have a few in mind that I REALLY REALLY BADLY SO WANT.

Septum Piercings

(Basically through the middle part of ya nose!)

Pros:

• Can be flipped up, and be invisible when I need it to be.
• It’s SOOOOoooo cute!
• It’s on my face, which is just a fun place to pierce.
• I can scare my mum with it.

Cons:

• I’d want to stretch it, which would be painful and probably smelly.
• It would fall out easily with a retainer.
• It would interfere with my nostril piercing.
• My nose is pointy enough anyway

Nape piercing

Pretty surface piercing on the back of the neck.

Pros:

• So sexy. Drool.
• Quite interesting.
• Can be invisible with hair down/ponytail.
• Can be bars or microdermals.

Cons:

• Oh my god, can you say painful?
• Inconvenient with clothing/dancing, which I do.
• Can be quite noticeable if hair is out the way.
• I wouldn’t be able to see it.

Microdermal

Little “implants” with no exit point; anchored under the skin.

Pros:

• Really discreet.
• CUUUUUUUTE.
• Can pretty much go anywhere on your body.
• Low rates of rejection.
  

Cons:

• Painful to initially “pierce” as well as remove; must be removed by a piercer.
• Expensive – I think?
• Can leave icky scarring.

Vertical/Horizontal Clit Hood

Pictures from google images this time, not BME.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!

horizontal clit hood.

Vertical Clit Hood

Pros:

• Good sex. haha.
• Pretty much painless.
• Fast healing.
• Of course; CUUUUUTE!
  

Cons:

• Er, getting my pussy out for a stranger to poke a hole through with a sharp object. Hahahaha.

Well those are the main realistic choices I have. I’ll have to wait until I have money, anyway, but yes. It will be one of those, and likely chosen on the day of the pierce itself!

Tick, tock

Sometimes I feel as though we are a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off at any given time.

Best foods for a lazy Molly

I have a few absolute favourite foods right now, which cater to both my requirements most of the time – they must be amazingly tasty, and relatively hassle free as I am LAAAAZY at dinnertime. [Breakfast and lunch however are dedicated to careful artistic meals.]

• I’ve been buying pizza bases for a while, the ones with the sauce on them already of course. Add some shredded chicken and pitted olives from the deli, fresh sliced tomatoes, pineapple chunks and a good amount of cheese. This is my “expensive” meal because of the meat and cheese.  Stupid food prices.
• Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Oh my god. Amazing. What’s even better, Mango Sweet Chili Philly. What’s even better? Chili and lime rice crackers, farm style pate, mango sweet chili philly. Absolute perfection.
• Green/spinach fettucine, with either homemade white sauce or homemade tomato pasta sauce. I like diced canned tomatoes with fresh herbs I find in the garden. Chuck the sauce onto a low low low low heat and let it warm up for ages with the herbs in it, add garlic and pepper too if you steal your flatmate’s spices, and something I can’t resist is a dollop of sour cream on top. I’m not sure why, but it works.
• Marmite on toast with melted butter/margerine. Bliss.
• Marmite on crumpets with melted butter/margerine. More bliss.
• Mushy peas on toast. Creamed corn on toast. Sooo good!
• My favourite meal in the entire world since I was 14 or so is incredibly cheap and weird sounding. I don’t know why, but it creates the perfect harmony of flavours. It has to be these exact brands and flavours too, because nothing else substitutes. Some nicely cooked sticky rice with Signature Range lemon-pepper tuna and some grated cheese mixed through it. Dark soy sauce and Trident sweet chili sauce infused with coriander added to your liking. Garnish with a generous amount of fresh coriander. Amazing.
• Salmon nigiri sushi (raw, not smoked, of course) from St Pierre’s with lemon, wasabi, soy sauce and I like putting the parsley in it too.
• Only got $4 which is my usual pocket change? No sweat. Sub of the day from subway! Unless it’s meatball, just wait until tomorrow. Bleh!
• Mashed potato and pepper covered in that cheap packet gravy stuff, with some nice green beans or peas on the side. Cheap and warming for them cold winter nights when you are feeling lazy. The mashed potato is, of course, frozen. Hey shut up, at least it’s not that dehydrated snowflake crap!

Oh cheap lazy tasty food how I love thee.

Bad Moods, Good Moods

Pepe’s home from Wellington as of today. I haven’t seen him in over a week albeit a brief “HI!!!” when I saw him on thursday before a job interview so hopefully I will be seeing him soooon. Damn full time work getting in the way of things!

I’ve been in a bad mood all day. I think it started off with another “we regret to inform you you did not qualify for an interview…” email from a potentially awesome job place. Pfft. I would have been so good at that job. Their loss.

So I swore at some 10 year olds who threw their basketball at me today (it was deliberate I fucking promise you!!) and took out some frustrations on an online friend who probably did not deserve it. Oopsie. I found out some chick had slapped Pepe and kicked him in the balls in Wellington, which made me want to get in a scrap hehe! Turns out the slap was not intended for him; from the back he looks quite a lot like any other black-haired youngish guy. She grabbed his shoulder (his injured one no less), slapped his face in front of everyone, and then apologised profusely and scampered off. He said, a little too loudly, a remark about her attractiveness – or lack thereof. She then returned and kicked him hard in the groin. Hahahaha! He now has a black-and-purple bruise on his inner thigh to show for it.

But talking to an old friend I thought I’d never know again has boosted my mood right up… probably more than it should. This friend and I were together a long time ago, almost a year and a half ago, and when we broke up it turned pretty awkward and we stopped talking completely. Now we’re slowly building back a friendship and it feels so good because this guy is still so, so important to me, despite the many many many problems and feelings I have felt about him in the past. It’s all good now!

Going down…

So I’m having one of those sad days. I like to think it has nothing to do with my life, it’s just my depression, and it’ll go away soon and I can be content again. Life’s fine. Nothing in particular should be making me feel sad, but I do, and it’s that hopeless negative feeling where I don’t want to move and all I want to do is eat and eat and get fat and stay in bed, or not eat and not eat and feel goddamn hungry and stay in bed.

I’m going to try and find some kind of cause for this glum feeling. I hate being like this.

Ideas:

• My weight’s been flucuating like mad. I’ve got down to a smaller than average size over the last few weeks – pretty much by forgetting to eat coupled with a chest infection – and although I felt kinda weird being less curvy I liked my smaller boobs. Over the last two days however I’ve felt horribly bloated and sick, ever since I had a tiny bit of cheese. I feel enormous and my boobs are giving me issues again. WTF? I guess the warning that if you starve yourself, it all comes back quickly, is true in my case. Damnit!
• Some people are fucking stupid, and it really grinds my gears. Not only stupid but insensitive. I feel almost unspokenly criticised for the way I handle my relationship. As if I should feel bad for being the way I am, and going against the norm of things. No, I don’t say “I love you” to my boyfriend. I don’t ever, ever mention he is my entire world and that I’d die for him. I don’t talk about how I want to marry him and have his babies. I truly don’t care if he sleeps with anyone else – I simply don’t have that jealousy. Yes, I am sceptical of all relationships, including my own. However, don’t you dare say that any of those above reasons invalidate my love for my boyfriend. What he and I have is unique and exclusive and I don’t care to explain it to people, but they just don’t get it sometimes.
• Money.
• Medication making me feel shitty, just a dry mouth, but damn it gets old fast! I feel as though I am constantly thirsty (which I am), have constantly bad breath (which I do) and I and forever feeling as though my dry mouth cannot be quenched. Stupid fucking pills… but at least that’s the only side effect so far.
• I have been helping a friend through relationship troubles, and she seems to really appreciate it, but I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing to be honest… I may have inspired her, but I really don’t know if it was down the wrong road or not.

Fuck, I don’t know. I know this isn’t in my mind, it’s in a different part of my head, it’s not my fault, blah blah but this depression REALLY FUCKING BLOWS

Family visit!

So this weekend was pretty awesome! Definitely more awesome than I would expect it to be, seeing it was the first time Pepe met my mother and sister!

Background: I met Pepe through a wrong number (crazy I know), he lived in a city called Christchurch at the other end of the country from me. A few months of nannying around, and I decided to move there – all the while he’d never met hardly any of my friends, and none of my family!

I have a mum, a dad, (separated) and a little sister who’s 12. My sister will be the hot one. She has legs that go on forever and when she’s older she’s going to have a killer figure. (Yes, I’m jealous.) Anyway, she loves Batman. Loves loves loves Batman. It’s an obsession.

Mum and Mel, my sister, arrived in Christchurch early on Saturday. Mum met up with a friend, and I took Mel out sightseeing.

Christchurch has this absolutely beautiful place called the Arts Center. It’s the site of the old university, and all the buildings are gothic architecture. It’s like going back in time. It’s the home of the most awesome saturday markets ever (can you say cheap as food from every corner of the world?), a place called the Fudge Cottage where all the sweets are freshly made on site, and right next to the best pub slash brewery in town, the Dux. We filled ourselves up on Bavarian sausages, home made chocolates, Chinese spring rolls, fudge, cupcakes, crepes until we almost popped. Then, Pepe turned up!

He rides a motorcycle, and my sister was beside herself with excitement as she heard the VROOM VROOM and he pulled up in the car park. “OMG his bike is SO COOL!” I’m sure it had NOTHING to do with the fact Batman rides a motorbike in the Dark Knight.

So they got on great, as was expected, because she is 12 and he acts 12. We went to the museum and saw dinosaur bones, which was freakin awesome, then headed back to the Dux to finally meet my mama.

It went well, I think. Mum’s friend gave him 10/10 when he jumped up to help mum carry the drinks back to the table, and then Pepe and my mum got into a huuuuuuuuuuuge conversation about Richard Stallman and open-source software and Linux la la la. Ah, bonding over computer issues. So modern day.

By then it was dinner time and we headed over to a place called the SOL Square, which is just about as cool as the Arts Center. It’s a tiny little square in the middle of an intersection of alleyways, packed with incredibly unique restaurants and bars. We decided on “The Fish and Chip Shop”.

“A tribute to 1960s New Zealand, the Fish & Chip Shop is redefining our national takeaway. For those baby boomers that are old enough to remember the 1960s it will be a trip down memory lane and for those too young to remember, it will be like a history lesson, but without the exam and with cold beer on tap.

Come down and see when New Zealand was on top of the world, when the ABs were invincible, Hillary had just reached the top, we had a Prime Minister called Keith and everybody had a bach.”

So yeah it was pretty awesome. The walls were decked out with 1960’s newspaper and although it was quite fancy, we ordered the “beer battered fresh fish of the day, with a generous helping of thick cut chips and homemade sauces, house favourite” – it was basically fish n chips! – they served it to us wrapped in newspaper on a plate. So cool!

Mel was the only one with enough room to manage dessert, so she got a huge pile of brandy snaps and cream, which was pretty impressive I must say.

All in all, a fucking cool weekend. I am enjoying this Christchurch thing.

Mel on Pepe’s bike, with the Batman mask he bought her.

Pepe and myself. *cringe*

Mel’s huge pile of brandy snaps. Stop drooling Pepe.

The Arts Center with markets in the foreground.

SOL Square, with the fish and chip shop on the left.